Resentment in Relationships: How to Reclaim Intimacy
Explore how resentment impacts intimacy in relationships and learn how to reconnect emotionally and physically. Follow me on Instagram for more insights on this topic @awakenarousal, with my recent post on resentment in relationships here.
If you’re reading this, I imagine you’ve found yourself sitting beside your partner on the couch, watching Netflix - again. The room is silent except for the hum of the TV. You’re not speaking, but inside, you’re seething.
How can they not know how to comfort me when I’m clearly upset?
How does my partner just sit there, completely unaware of everything I’m holding inside?
Why do I have to be the one who always brings things up first?
You shift in your seat. Cross your arms. Maybe you even sigh a little louder, hoping (praying) your spouse will notice. But they don’t. They just keep watching, completely oblivious to the storm brewing inside you.
Sound familiar? This is what unspoken resentment can feel like - simmering just beneath the surface, building with every unmet need and unheard emotion. And if left unaddressed, it doesn’t just fade away. It festers, grows, and destroys your sex drive over time..
But it doesn’t have to be this way. Let’s talk about how to stop resentment from eroding your relationship and instead use it as a doorway to deeper intimacy and understanding.
Resentment and it’s Impact on Intimacy
Resentment is one of the biggest intimacy killers in relationships. It’s that slow-building, underlying frustration that turns into bitterness, withdrawal, and even passive-aggressive behaviors. If left unaddressed, resentment can lead to significant emotional disconnection, eroded trust, a lack of desire for physical intimacy, and even the end of a relationship.
Many couples find themselves stuck in a cycle of unmet needs, unspoken expectations, and suppressed frustration - until it all explodes in an argument or manifests as silent distance.
But the thing is, resentment doesn’t just go away on its own. It grows and expands, until it bursts. And if you’re experiencing it in your current relationship, or recognize it has happened in your past, you’re not alone. In my work as a somatic intimacy and relationship coach, I see this pattern come up constantly with individuals and couples I work closely with.
So, how does resentment build? How can you release it? And how do you create a relationship where both you and your partner feel seen, valued, and deeply connected? Keep reading and find out.
What Is Resentment in a Relationship?
Resentment is an accumulation of unresolved frustrations, unmet emotional needs, and unexpressed feelings. As Kathy McCoy writes in her Psychology Today article "Relationship Resentment: How to keep resentment from poisoning your love", “The heart of resentment is lack of communication. It springs from hurt or anger or a sense of injustice that is not directly and clearly expressed” (McCoy, 2024).
Resentment often develops when one partner feels:
Underappreciated – “I do so much, and they don’t even notice.”
Unheard – “I’ve told them what I need, but nothing changes.”
Emotionally neglected – “I’m always there for them, but who’s there for me?”
Overburdened – “I carry all the emotional labor, and they don’t contribute.”
Unlike momentary frustration, resentment is deep-rooted and it builds up over time when issues go unaddressed.
I like to visualize resentment as a brick wall. Each time an unspoken expectation or unmet need arises, another brick is added, and the wall grows taller and wider. Dismantling it takes dedicated effort, patience, and time.
Signs That Resentment is Creeping into Your Relationship
You might not even realize resentment is present until it starts showing up in subtle (or not-so-subtle) ways, such as:
Keeping score: "I did X, Y, and Z for them, but they never do anything for me.”
Withholding affection: Feeling disconnected or uninterested in intimacy.
Passive-aggressive behaviors: Making snarky comments instead of openly and clearly expressing frustration.
Emotional shutdown: Avoiding conversations or withdrawing emotionally.
Feeling stuck in cycles of giving too much and then feeling unappreciated.
If this resonates or sounds familiar to you, you’re not alone.
Why Does Resentment Build?
1. Unspoken Expectations
Many of us walk into relationships with unrealistic or uncommunicated expectations, expecting our partner to just know what we need without having to say it.
But the thing is, you aren’t a mind reader, and your partner isn’t either.
When needs aren’t voiced, they don’t get met. And when they don’t get met and expectations continue, that resentment wall builds.
Break the cycle: Instead of assuming they “should just know,” ask yourself:
Have I clearly communicated what I need?
Am I expecting them to meet a need I haven’t expressed?
For example, instead of asking your partner to be more romantic (because romance means different things, to different people), get specific about what romance means to you. You could say ‘I would love to feel more romance in our relationship. Would you be able to plan one date a month without the kiddos for us?’
2. Feeling Emotionally or Physically Unseen
Resentment isn’t just about who does the dishes or who initiates intimacy, it’s about the deeper feeling of not being valued.
For many, this plays out as feeling like:
The caretaker instead of an equal partner.
The one always prioritizing emotional labor.
The person responsible for initiating connection; whether it’s in conversation, intimacy, or household responsibilities.
3. Not Feeling Safe to Express Frustration
If you grew up in a household where conflict was avoided or emotions weren’t welcome (*throws hand up* me!), you might struggle to voice your needs in relationships, instead, you hold everything in.
But resentment thrives in silence.
When we don’t feel safe enough to express frustration or ask for what we need, it doesn’t disappear, it lingers, grows and robs you of your presence, genuine expression and authentic arousal.
4. Sacrificing Too Much for the Relationship
Women, in particular, are often conditioned to over-give in relationships, to put their own needs on the back burner in favor of “keeping the peace.”
The problem with this is when you ignore your own needs for too long, it turns into bitterness, disconnection, and resentment.
Side note: Resentment is what happens when self-abandonment goes unchecked.
How I Personally Broke the Resentment Cycle
For years, I didn’t even recognize my own resentment. I told myself, "I should just be grateful for this life," or, "They’re doing their best."
But inside, I felt unseen. I kept giving and giving, hoping my partner would finally notice how much I was doing for us, to finally give back to me in the way I craved. But the truth was, I hadn’t even been honest with myself about what I needed and how to move forward.
I had to learn how to:
✔ Recognize and take accountability for my resentment instead of dismissing it.
✔ Communicate clearly and specifically, without waiting for my partner to guess what was wrong.
✔ Shift out of keeping score and into genuine, open dialogue.
When I realized I needed to stop expecting my partner to read my mind and started clearly stating what I needed without guilt, everything changed.
How to Release Resentment and Rebuild Connection
1. Name What’s Beneath the Resentment
Ask yourself:
What do I feel resentful about? Be specific and clear.
What is the deeper need that isn’t being met? Is it feeling appreciated, understood, loved, considered etc.
This step is crucial. Most resentment isn’t about one thing, it’s about a pattern of feeling unseen or unappreciated over months, or even many years.
2. Shift from Blame to Ownership
Instead of saying, "You never help around the house," try something like this:
“I feel really overwhelmed with household tasks, and I need more support. Can we figure out how to share responsibilities more evenly?”
This keeps your partner from getting defensive and opens the door for real conversation.
3. Practice Clear, Guilt-Free Communication
This may be hard to hear but you are responsible for your own emotions, needs, capacities and boundaries in your relationships.
Start saying:
✨ “I need…” instead of “You never…”
✨ “I feel…” instead of “You make me feel…”
When you own your emotions and needs without blame, you create space for deeper connection.
4. Rebuild Connection with Small Daily Shifts
➡ Schedule intentional check-ins about emotional needs. check out my free relationship resiliency guide here for six weekly conversations to strengthen your relationship (link= https://awakena.myflodesk.com/pfjp7xhlly )
➡ Create a ritual of appreciation: express gratitude to each other daily.
➡ Prioritize physical and emotional intimacy: not just sex, but presence, touch, and undivided attention.
To conclude, resentment is a signpost, an internal alarm if you will, that something important within you has gone unspoken for far too long. Resentment doesn’t make you a bad person, or broken. It makes you human! And while it can feel heavy, it also offers an opportunity to pause, reflect, and choose a new path forward.
A path where your needs are considered. Where clear, loving communication replaces scorekeeping. And where connection is built not on assumptions, but on two-way authentic vulnerability.
You don’t have to stay stuck in silent frustration.
You deserve to feel seen, valued, and cherished in your relationship, and it starts with honoring your truth.
Now, I ask you, what’s one small step you can take today to release resentment and invite more connection into your relationship? Drop a comment below!
Want to Go Deeper?
If resentment has been showing up in your relationship, you don’t have to navigate it alone.
If you’re craving deep transformation in your relationship, with hands-on dedicated support,my Liberated Love program is designed to help you move from resentment and disconnection to feeling seen, safe, and desired. Join the waitlist here.
Ready for 1:1 guidance? Book a consult or apply to work with me, a certified sex, intimacy & relationship coach.
Let’s break the resentment cycle together.
McCoy, K. (2024, April 4). Relationship Resentment: How to keep resentment from poisoning your love. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/blog/complicated-love/202404/relationship-resentment